Hanging

20.10.16



I am somewhere in the middle running through the motions and getting quite lost. So. I have just finished m second year of uni ( I'm studying English with American studies). I'm a mixture of relief and dread. relief because I am finally, i stuck it out and did not decide to drop everything and leave. And dread because i knew at the back of mind that i had to do this all over again in third year. 

Dropping out of uni is suuuch a hard descision, and due to this I have not made one, As I said i'm still going through the motions, the process of making a decison. 
So here's an order what I have been experiencing and still. realisation, panic, regret. denial. more denial. Then nothing. Then I reach a point where I didn't panic or stress anymore. I then became inspired, I felt a rush and thought to myself yes! I can leave, I a can do this. After that 'reality' set in. And with reality came doubt and with doubt came panic and pain. because felt stuck between reality and and my happiness. Sad right? After feeling all of that I know what I really want. But the question is; do I have enough belief in myself to leave and try in on my own. 

Dont get me wrong, Ive spoke to people, but then you speak to so many people that you realise that they all saying the same, and it is this same thing that you do not wan to hear. So stopped listening other people ad now I'm trying to listen to myself. 

I personly think my fear stems from my background, my single mother is not going to fund this uni dropout lifestyle, so I'll be on my own, and will survive out there without afluence or connections? So many questions are swimming around. But the main question is; do I beleive in myself? And that is something I need to do because right no that is all can have everything else I have to let go, uni, lifestyle, place, environment, qualification because of this little voice in my head is constantly trying to get my attention, trying to let me know ho I really feel abou this or that. 

Btw I do not consider these years wasted at all, I have learn't so much about myself, tried new things, met DIFFERENT people and met some special people too. I do not regret spending so long to come his point. I could be brave, face my fears and head out there, doing what makes me happy or I could suck it in, put my head down and simply carry on. 

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